


The Warmth of Dr. Phil

by Kalciium



Category: Dr. Phil (TV)
Genre: And you're a Veggietales stan, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dr. Phil has a sexual energy, F/M, Jealous Dr. Phil, Reader Insert, They go to an abandoned Toys R Us its really cool, This fanfic sucks please dont read it or its gonna be put on my resume, Toe sucking mention, Yandere Dr. Phil, You dated Guy Fieri at one point, help me god, why did I make this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-09 14:56:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20996672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalciium/pseuds/Kalciium
Summary: Dr. Phil is very soft and warm, like "mashed potato". To you, anyways.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Why did God create me, knowing I was gonna write vaguely horny Dr. Phil fanfiction?  
Also this was originally on Quotev so if you saw it there too thats why gkljegjlekjg

YOu were walking in a town. It was quite the sexy town, strip bars in every corner. Nobody liked this town, it smelled of rotting crab meat every time one went outside. It sucked ass, basically. You hated it here, you wanted to live somewhere else, somewhere where it doesn't smell like fucking horse ass every time you went outside. But enough about that. You were going to have a great day today, whether you knew it or not. You opened the doors to a Burger King and sat down at a table, which appeared to have been recently cleaned. Across the restaurant sat your idol, Dr. Phil. You did not know he went to Burger King, you thought he'd be at fancier, cleaner restaurants. Perhaps it was fate? He walked up to you.

"Dr. Phil? Is that really you???" you asked, blushing. You never thought you'd get to see his beautiful, sexy face in person. He nodded, and sat down next to you.

"I was told to go here, for an important meeting with my master." Dr. Phil explained. "The meeting concluded a couple minutes ago, so I'm free now. And you seemed lonely.." He batted his long, seductive eyelashes at you. Why is he so UwU all of a sudden. What the fuck? You blushed, similar to that of a tomato, or my 3DS I have sitting behind my laptop.

"W-what was the meeting about, Dr. Phil-kun?" you asked, using all the physical strength you had stored in your tiny, petite body to not stutter, but failing miserably. Fuck. I'm listening to Minecraft songs.

"The usual, if you know what I mean." Dr. Phil stated. "My master was the Burger King, which is why I'm here."

"That explains it, I th-think.." you said, looking down at your feet. You were not wearing shoes or socks today, so you were completely barefoot, and ready to get your toes sucked by Dr. Phil. However, that would not be the case today, you thought.

"You stutter quite a bit," Dr. Phil said, looking you directly in the eyes, batting his eyelashes yet again. His false eyelashes became crooked, so he adjusted them. This song fucking sucks.

"I try not to," you spoke, turning your head to the side. This story sucks ass. Dr. Phil turned your head to face him, and you made direct eye contact with him yet again. He had such a lovely face, reminiscent of a green M&M, though he did not have green skin. He radiated a raw sexual energy, one you could not bear.

"I-I-I have to g-go," you said, attempting to get up from your chair, but Dr. Phil grabbed your left hand, keeping you from leaving.

"Just a second," Dr. Phil spoke, getting up from his chair, his fingers entwined with yours. He pulled a knife out of his back pocket and held it behind his back, though you did not notice. Even if you did you wouldn't care; you had a yandere kink. I fucking hate writing this, by the way. "You're not leaving just yet, sweetheart~" Fuck.

"I'm not?" you asked.

"What's your name?" Dr. Phil asked, pushing your chin up with his index finger. You blushed, like the horny raisin you are. This is why we need to oppress horny people.

"Y-Y/N... That's my n-name." you stuttered.

"What was that?"

"My name is Y/N."

"Ah... cute name." Dr. Phil said. "Well.. you already know who I am, I'm Dr. Phil, so.." He silently put the knife back in his pocket, you still did not notice. I'm listening to yaoi Christmas songs.

"Am I still not l-leaving?" you asked softly, and Dr. Phil nodded. I don't know how to write this.

"You're not leaving until I say so, Y/N-chan." he stated. You nodded. You didn't even care that you weren't going home, your house fucking sucked ass anyway. The walls always fell apart, you had to hire six maids to fix your house every damn day. And your bed sucks. So yeah, you were perfectly fine with this situation, plus you were with Dr. Phil. You've been attracted to him since you were, like, eleven.

"That's fine." you said. He shoved you against the walls of the Burger King, and then an old man walked in through the doors. 

"Fuck." Dr. Phil muttered under his breath. He stepped away from you, to avoid disturbing the old man. Imagine going to Burger King and seeing Dr. Phil about to make out with someone you've never seen before. If Dr. Phil hadn't noticed, the poor man would be traumatized for life. "Nevermind, we're leaving."

"W-where are we going?" you asked, still blushing and stuttering from whatever the Hell just happened.

"Where do you want to go~?" Dr. Phil asked you. You thought for a bit.

"There's this really cool abandoned Toys-R-Us near my house...." you suggested.

"We're going there, then." Dr. Phil said, picking you up in his arms and carrying you out the doors of the Burger King.

"...Damn, that was sexy." the old man who had walked through the Burger King said, dabbing his eyes with a napkin since he was now bleeding from his eyeballs. "I have got to come here more often."


	2. Feed me worms til I drop dead, Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Dr. Phil go to an abandoned Toys-R-Us. Shit happens. I don't know.

So there you were, barbecue sauce on your titties, being held in Dr. Phil's arms, being carried to the abandoned Toys-R-Us near your house. You didn't think it was real; but it was, that's the fucked up part. Real life is being held in the arms of Phil McGraw, famous TV show host and local sexyman. Your heart was racing; he made you feel so many emotions at once, it was unreal. This was your first time meeting him, and he's already holding you in his arms, carrying you to a location you loved going to ever since you realized it was abandoned. You quite enjoyed abandoned stores, as they had some sort of spooky vibe to them. Also they seemed like great places to get fed worms at.

"Are we there yet, Dr. Phil?" you asked softly, looking up at him. He smiled his Dr. Phil smile. What the fuck.  
"Almost, Y/N," he said. "and call me Phil, please." You nodded.  
After a few minutes of feeling like your heart was gonna burst out of your chest like the Grinch, he set you down outside the abandoned Toys-R-Us. "The doors are locked, Y/N." he told you.   
"Don't worry; I know how to pick locks," you reassured him, taking some sort of pin thing out of your pocket. I don't know how picking locks works. "I've been doing since for years ever since Circuit City died." You fiddled with the lock, and the doors were wide open. You grabbed his hand, and you both walked inside, inhaling the scent of ... whatever the Hell Toys-R-Us smells like after it's been abandoned for years. Probably shit.  
"It's really nice here," Dr. Phil stated. "I love that peeling, rotting picture of that giraffe mascot on the wall. Makes me feel at home."  
"Is that sarcasm? Because this place is extremely important to me; I won't tolerate you insulting Geoffrey the Gira-" Dr. Phil chuckled. Your heart nearly dropped out of your ass. You immediately had forgotten you were extremely sexually attracted to Dr. Phil.

"Of course not, Y/N. I really do feel.. at home." he said directly into your ear. ASMR. Your Bob the Builder undergarments you had under your (fave jean color) jeans nearly slid right down. Your face was as red as the 3DS behind my laptop that sadly no longer turns on. I miss my 3DS.  
"You.. d-do?" you stuttered, face as red as the Fortnite tomato. Fuck.  
"I care about you, Y/N. Even though we've only known eachother for two nanoseconds." Dr. Phil said. He entwined his fingers with yours, his lovely, wrinkly old man hands caressing your soft (skin color) hands. Your face became as red as Bob the tomato from Veggietales, which was your second favorite TV show behind Dr. Phil. You used to have a crush on Larry the Cucumber. "You OK, Y/N..?"  
"Y-Yeah, of course..!" you gasped. "Let's go.. explore the Toys-R-Us, now.. I have to piss." You ran the opposite direction from Dr. Phil, and you were suddenly in what looked like it used to be a Monster High/Littlest Pet Shop/My Little Pony toy aisle. Oh, the memories. I almost can feel my eyebrows falling off thinking about them.  
You panted heavily as you looked around, seeing so many toys aimed at 5 year old girls you could steal. Perhaps for your niece who loved My Little Pony and was pissed it ended... or your 39 year old nephew who wore an Ahegao hoodie every other time you met him and was also pissed it ended. Wait, wasn't he the cum jar guy? Anyways.  
"Y/N!!! Where are you?" Shit. Dr. Phil was coming. How are you gonna explain that you ran off out of sexual frustration? He's gonna beat your ass now, good job dumbass. "Y/N!!!!"

You tried figuring out where his voice came from, so you could run that direction. You know, even though you were 2% worried he'd remove your toes for running off. You grabbed a Littlest Pet Shop toy set, and ran that direction. After a minute or so, you bumped into him, nearly dropping your LPS toy set.  
"Y/N..." he said as he pulled you in closer. "I was worried about you, I thought that giraffe mascot had beaten you to death once and for all." You blushed. You weren't gonna get your ass beat after all. A shame.  
"Phil, can you beat my ass?" you asked politely, watching his expression go from relieved to "what the fuck?" within a manner of seconds. After a few seconds, he started smiling in a way that reminded you of the 2018 Grinch. He leaned closer to your ear, so close he was almost licking your ear when he spoke.  
"In what way, sweetheart?" 

Your Bob the Builder undergarments nearly slid down your legs again. Fuck. Shit. He knew what he was doing. Fucking Dr. Phil, always being so fucking sexy, you were just about ready to take a massive bite out of the LPS set's box you were holding. It'd taste quite good; you loved the taste of cardboard. Not as much as you loved Dr. Phil, though. You tried to get a word out, but you couldn't. Your hands were shaking. Damn.  
"I m-meant, l-like.." you stuttered. "..you like, b-beat me to d-d-d-eath or ssssomethi...ng.. I mean, what's the o-other way?" Dr. Phil smiled.  
"Oh, you know." Dr. Phil said, smiling. "Wait, shit, what time is it? I gotta get to filming the next episode of my show."  
You pulled out your phone, which had a Big Bird phone case on it at the moment. Usually it was Cookie Monster, but lately he had been scaring the shit out of you when you saw him. So you switched to Big Bird, who was yellow. Pee color. Fuck yeah. "Uhh, 3:34 PM. When do you usually film?"  
"Oh, we have two hours then." Dr. Phil smiled sweetly, or as sweetly as Dr. Phil can smile anyways. You loved his smiles. "Would you like to come with me to my show's set when I film, sweetheart?" Your eyes widened at the offer, but you nodded.  
"Wait, where is it that you film your show, anyway?" you asked.  
"Los Angeles. That's like, ten minutes from here." Phil answered, playing with your (hair color) hair and pulling you closer to his body. You could feel his heartbeat. Or was that your heartbeat..? Wait, no, it's his, you hear two heartbeats. Shit. You were startled for a second. Anyway, you blushed when he pulled you closer.

"O-oh, that's in-interesting. I've never b-been there.." you stuttered, looking up at his chin. He had quite the sexy chin, reminded you of that guy from Fairly Odd Parents with the massive fucking chin voiced by Jay Leno. "What's it like?"  
"Way better than this town, no offense." Phil chuckled. You couldn't agree more, though. This town fucking sucked. It smelled like rotting crab meat and regrets. You reached out your arm to caress his shiny bald head lovingly, oh God it was so fucking smooth. Reminded you of the plastic on this one LPS playset you had, it was so shiny and smooth... Dr. Phil leaned in to kiss you, and you kissed back. He tasted like Lays potato chips, black coffee, and a little bit of blood. ...What the fuck, blood? You pulled away from him, staring him directly into his ocean blue eyeballs. Wow, for once a fanfic didn't call the eyes fucking orbs! You saw a bit of blood dripping down his lips, and he was licking it off.

"Uhhh.. what's up with the blood?" you asked. He smiled lovingly as he cupped your cheek with his big, wrinkly old man hand. He started to caress your cheek.

"Sorry, sweetie. I may have bit your lip on accident, but I do enjoy the taste of blood." he giggled. Shit, he was a vampire?!! You read about vampires in My Immortal!!! That was so fucking cool!!  
"Are you a..vampire, Dr. Phil?" you asked, just to confirm. He shook his head. How unfortunate; you had a vampire kink.  
"Unfortunately not, unless you consider vampires to be people who just love the taste of human blood but don't have fangs and goth capes." he chuckled. "You know, the reason I'm not a medical doctor is because if I were, I'd just lick the blood off people's wounds." He leaned in closer to your ear, licked it, and whispered, "Especially if you were my patient, Y/N-chan." OK, this guy's probably gonna fucking kill you soon. Did you care? No; it was Dr. Phil the love of your life since age eleven when you first saw him on the TV because your parents were watching it, obsessing over his shiny bald head. Your face was about as red as the blood he licked off your lips.

"Can you...kiss me..again...?" you asked, looking up into his sapphire eyes. He nodded. He cupped your face with his old man hands; a feeling you loved so FUCKING much, and kissed you, for longer this time. He bit your lip again, though not enough to draw more blood, thankfully. Or was that a bad thing? This Spotify ad I'm hearing fucking sucks, what is this music oh my god. Sexorcism? Anyway, he pulled away from you, staring into your lust-filled (color) eyes, the twinkle in them he thought was so beautiful. You looked like those crying cat memes. You know the ones. They're really cute.

"Did you enjoy that, Y/N?" Dr. Phil asked, and you nodded.

"It was really.......nice..." you said. "Wait, shit, what time is it again? I have to get home to watch the new episode of All Hail King Julien."

"Can I go with you, Y/N? I'd love to see where you reside," Dr. Phil asked, but you shook your head, surprisingly.  
"No, my house sucks, you'd hate it. The walls fall apart around me, it's hard to sleep at night." you explained. "The maids hate their jobs. I need a new house, in a new town, but-"

"We could live together, Y/N." Phil suggesting, taking his hand off your cheek and entwining his old man fingers with your fingers.

"Hey, don't you have a wife, Dr. Phil?" you asked. He shook his head.  
"What are you talking about? I've never been married in my life." he declined. "What about you, Y/N? Have you ever had a lover before me..?" He looked almost worried when he asked..now HE looked like the crying cat memes.

"Like, a few times.." you said. "I just broke up with my boyfriend, like, three weeks ago.. Why are you asking?" Dr. Phil looked saddened; he wasn't your first lover. Well, he was your first crush, unknown to him, but not your first lover. No, that was Guy Fieri, back in 2013. He lasted a good two years; until you realized his breath smelled like pizza and that making out with him was no longer enjoyable because he always smelled of pizza. You were OK with pizza; but it's not a sexy scent when making out.

"I wasn't... your first lover?" he asked, his eyes twinkling like the crying cat memes.

"You were my first crush, Phil.. since I was eleven." He seemed relieved at that reply, until he realized.

"Who were your other crushes, Y/N? Did you have any?" he asked, looking worried. Damn.

"Larry the Cucumber, The Once-Ler, Gibby from iCarly, iCarly herself..." you said, trying to count them on your fingers. "That's it, I think. Besides any of my ex boyfriends, I don't know if that counts."

Dr. Phil leaned in closer to you. "I love you, Y/N. More than anything." He reached into his pocket, and handed you a small figure of Dipsy from Teletubbies. You gasped... how did he know.. that Dipsy was your favorite Teletubby, and that you were begging for a figure of him to God for months? He reached into his other pocket, and took out a small figure of Peter Griffin in BDSM gear. You gasped again... you've been begging to God for THAT one since you found out about it five years ago, when you had a Family Guy obsession..!  
"Do you accept these gifts, from me to you, Y/N? I searched the ends of the Earth for them.." You nodded, and you took the figures, shoving them into your jean pockets, hugging Dr. Phil, embracing his warmth.  
"Thank you so much, Dr. Phil..!" you nearly gasped for air. Now you know. He was the one for you. He accepted your Teletubbies obsession; most people you've tried to be with thought you were a fucking idiot for liking Teletubbies that much. And you couldn't even get started on the Family Guy thing; everyone made fun of you because you thought Peter Griffin was the most well-written character in cartoon history. "I don't know how I can repay you, Phil... I can't thank you enough...holy shit..."

"Well, I know one way you can thank me." Dr. Phil mentioned. Your (color) eyes lit up.  
"How?"  
"Well... Come home with me tonight, and I'll show you." He handed you a slip of paper, oh God it was the ugliest fucking color you've ever seen, and his address was written right on it, in neon green Comic Sans, against a vomit colored background with light pink polka dots and a low-opacity image of the 2018 Grinch in the back. Who the fuck designed this? It was so sexy.  
Dr. Phil proceeded to walk towards the exit of the Toys-R-Us. "I have to go to LA to film my show now, Y/N. I'll see you at 8:00 tonight. Be late if you want." He walked away, and you could tell he was sharpening a knife as he exited the abandoned toy store. You stared at the slip of paper, and shoved it into your pocket with your Dipsy figurine. You sighed a deep sigh.  
Tonight was gonna be the night Dr. Phil sucks your toes, wasn't it? I hate this story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I'm going to Hell for this fanfic or else there's no point writing it. Gamers rise up


End file.
